I head South with all my countrymen 
To build houses on the shoulders of those 
Who we'd never let sleep in our garage 
Cuz they're overfilled with cars 

And they're never gonna let you in 
'Til they dress you up in Protestant clothes 
And parade you out 
Screaming "Where is our reward? 
Hey look, we saved this guy's soul!" 
Whoa 

Today is the day 
That we trade our hearts for handlebars 
Give the TV the keys 
And hope that it points us at the stars 

Don't look North with those jealous eyes 
Cuz you know that they're just us in disguise 
Hope they keep their little fingers out of this 
While I take my second wish 

Will they come down from their tower again? 
All their speeches sound like piss in the wind 
And I've heard enough 
To fill the bowl at his feet 
Where they're washing his toes 
And they'd sell Mary for a paddle 
Just to row his boat home 

Today is the day 
That we trade our hearts for handlebars 
Give the TV the keys 
And hope that it points us at the... 

And if they doctor prescribes it 
I'll take it 
And if I stay here tonight 
Will you stay with me? 

Today is the day 
That we trade our hearts for handlebars 
Give the TV the keys 
And hope that it points us at the stars 

Who is the captain? 
Who is the captain? 
Who is the captain?? 
Who is the captain?!? 
Who's gonna steer this ship into the rocks 
While we sleep in our bunks 
Dreaming of a dry pair of socks?