Such was the expression of the child
As he bounced across my windscreen
And off the other side.

Well I got the strong impression
For a second that he wasn't so much angry
As incredibly surprised.

As I watched him in my rear view mirror slowly slip away,
I turned to my instructor and I felt I had to say,
Do you think we should reschedule the test?
'Cause I'm starting now to think it might be best.

Either way, I'm pretty sure
You could have taught me clutch control
In a playground that was emptier than this.

Such was the blind panic of the boy scouts
As I backed into the duck pond
In the middle of the green.

Then it became a little clearer
Why the mirror said that objects featured in it
Might be closer than they seem.

As I watched the displaced goldfish flapping vainly on the grass
I smiled at the policeman and I felt I had to ask,
Would a fish theme maybe make this go away?
'Cause I really don't have time for this today.

Besides which how am I supposed to learn to drive
When everywhere I turn there's
Five or six small children getting in the way.

I would later learn that was the moment
The SWAT team was mobilised
And that the car chase that followed
Was openly televised.

In fact I'm told that they
Still use the footage for police training video
And though I've not seen it personally
I've learned that it basically shows

Me and my instructor tearing down the autobahn
Doing ninety in a Mazda with the handbrake on
Ploughing wrecklessly through traffic, cones and trees.
I am Thelma to his terrified Louise

And all the while I got him screaming in my head
That I should probably change up out of second gear,
Check my mirrors, keep my hands at two and ten
And maybe give some thought to turning myself in.

But in spite of everything,
We made it to the border
Though the last two miles was in reverse
Up the hard shoulder.

That old car was dead,
But somehow we'd survived.
We climbed out of the wreck
And solemnly high-fived.

So that's how me and my instructor
Moved to Switzerland.
Opened up a little cafe
In the hinterland.

And though I never got my licence, in the end,
I found something so much better
A brand new, bestest friend.