I'm impressed
With my attorney Bernie
I'm impressed
With his influential friends

He's got very big connections
And I follow his directions
Bernie knows his way around
And so I always do what Bernie recommends

I am blessed
With my attorney Bernie
I'm impressed
With the way he runs the store

He's got Dodger season boxes
And an office full of foxes
It's amazing all the different things
Your average guy might need a lawyer for

Bernie tells me what to do
Bernie lays it on the line
Bernie says, we sue, we sue
Bernie says, we sign, we sign

I'm in touch
With my attorney Bernie
In a clutch
He can speed right to the scene

And if I'm locked up in the jail
With just one phone call for my bail
He said to call his club collect
Or deal directly with his answering machine

And when I dine
With my attorney Bernie
He buys wine
From the rare imported rack

That's 'cause Bernie is a purist
And not your polyester tourist
Bernie waves the glass around awhile
Then takes a sip and always sends it back

Bernie tells me what to do
Bernie lays it on the line
Bernie says, we sue, we sue
Bernie says, we sign, we sign

I admire
My attorney Bernie
I admire
Any guy who knows his stuff

Sure we blew a couple ventures
With a counterfeit debentures
But you win a few, you lose a few
Like Bernie says, "You keep on hanging tough"

Thanks to you
My attorney Bernie
Thanks to you
I'm considered well to do

Sure I made out like a bandit
Just exactly like you planned it
But like Murray, my accountant
Told me yesterday, I owe it all to you.

Bernie tells me what to do
Bernie lays it on the line
Bernie says, we sue, we sue
Bernie says, we sign, we sign

On the dotted line