Well, I wish I had my picture on The Rolling Stone today
I wish that The Enquirer spread a rumor that I was gay
Well, I wish I had some buddies, some movie stars and such
'Cause I probably wouldn't worry about the two of us as much

And I'd spend all my money on caviar and cocaine
And I would not remember how you broke my heart today

You know I, I wish I had a super model so skinny and so wild
And a waitress in Nevada, she says she's carrying my child
Well I'd drive down Sunset Boulevard, my hair blowin' in the wind

And I'd spend all my money on caviar and cocaine
And I would not remember how you broke my heart today

Yeah, I wish I had my picture with the Rolling Stones today
And I wish The Enquirer would spread a rumor that I was gay
I wish I knew a movie star, someone like Charlie Sheen
'Cause if he'd hang out with Kato Kaelin well I guess he'd hang out with me

And I'd spend all my money on caviar and Rogaine
And I would not remember how you broke my heart today