Everywhere I go someone's trying to by my girlfriend's best friend
I try to pretend I'm relaxed, but I'm playing castanets with my knees

I try to be cool and give her space
But a guy's always there ready to jump right up and take my place
Everyone in this room seems to want to make a big fool out of me

Everybody open your mouth (everybody, everybody...)
Everybody just say "ah" (ah-ha)
Everything will be alright
If you play along

Everywhere I go there's someone in a trench-coat staring at me
When I'm not at home I'm sure someone's rummaging through my trash

Whatever could they want from me?
Is it just a part of a giant government conspiracy?
I gotta go see my doctor about this itchy pentagram shaped rash

Everybody open your mouth (everybody, everybody...)
Everybody just say "ah" (ah-ha)
Everything will be alright
This won't hurt at all.

Everybody get in line (everybody, everybody..)
Everybody turn and cough (ah-ha)
Everything will be alright
If you just lay off

Dictate a memo to myself
Try to find if I'm the only one in complete health
Consult contemporaries if there are some to see
There really isn't anyone who's in my league

But me

Every night at Elaine's someone thinks they've got a fine bead on me
I try to take three deep breaths as I lock in on my mini-van

Everyone says I'm looking great
But it's hard to stand up, let alone to try to concentrate
I wish that everyone I knew hadn't sold out to the man

Everybody open your mouth (everybody, everybody..)
Everybody just say "ah" (ah-ha)
Everything will be alright
This won't hurt at all

Everybody get in line (everybody, everybody..)
Everybody turn and cough (ah-ha) 
Everything will be alright
If you just lay
Everything will be alright 
If you just lay
Everything will be alright 
If you just lay off