You tell me that you love me when I'm lying by your side
You tell me that I am the only one who understands your troubled mind
That I am blind to any evil you can do
And that I love you more than any other girl could ever do

You love the things that I love: you love art and you love books
And you love love as much as I do and you love my dirty looks
And you love me right now
So how can you love...Vegemite?

It tastes like sadness
It tastes like batteries
It tastes like asses
I cannot hold a man so close who spreads this cancer on his toast
It is the Vegemite, my darling, or it's me
You have to make a fucking choice
I cannot sit with you at breakfast
The very smell of it obliterates my senses
And if that weren't bad enough you also eat the shit for lunch
Which means we can't spend any time together
What kind of relationship is that?
The choice is yours, my heart is in your hands
Please wash your hands
You just ate Vegemite for lunch you selfish bastard

It's all about you, isn't it?
It's just take, take, take, take
What about me? What about my feelings?
I'm sorry

I had this really awful experience when I was six years old
And our British next door neighbor, Christopher Gill, he was babysitting us
And he made me eat an entire spoonful of Marmite
Which is just like Vegemite pretty much except it's even grosser
And when he told me he made me eat it by telling me it was chocolate fudge
And so I swallowed the whole thing and then I had to go to the bathroom and throw up
And it really traumatized me and I'm sorry I got so emotional, I just

I love you and no matter what you eat
I'll always love you completely
I might just always leave the room at meal times
Or refuse to kiss or touch you for a week
If you insist on putting that foul death paste in your mouth

You're in my heart, but put yourself inside my shoes
I have to know, it shouldn't be too hard to choose
I know it's tearing you apart, but it's the way it has to be
It is the Vegemite, my darling
It is the Vegemite, my darling
Put down the Vegemite, you fucker, or I'll leave