(The banker:)
I'm an autocratic figure in these democratic states
I'm a dandy demonstration of hereditary traits
As the children of the baker bake the most delicious breads
As the sons of Casanova fill the most exclusive beds
As the Barrymores, the Roosevelts, and others I could name
Inherited the talents that perpetuate their fame
My position in the structure of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago
My pappy was a gentleman and musical to boot
He used to play piano in a house of ill repute
The madam was a lady and a credit to her cult
She enjoyed my pappy's playing, and I was the result
So my mammy and my pappy are the ones I have to thank
That I'm chairman of the board of the National County Bank

Oh, our parents forgot to get married
Oh, our parents forgot to get wed
Did a wedding bell chime, that was always a time
When our parents were somewhere in bed
Oh, thanks to our true loving parents
We are kings in the land of the free
Your banker, your broker, your Washington joker
Four prominent bastards are we, tralalala
Four prominent bastards are we

(The broker:)
In a cozy little farmhouse, in a cozy little dell
A dear, old-fashioned farmer and his daughter used to dwell
She was pretty, she was charming, she was tender, she was mild
And her sympathies were such that she was frequently with child
The year her hospitality attained a record high
She became the happy mammy of an infant, which was I
Whenever she was gloomy, I could always make her grin
By childishly inquiring who my pappy would have been
The hired man was favored by the girls in mammy's set
And a traveling man from Scranton was an even-money bet
But such were mammy's motives, and such was her allure
That even Roger Babson wasn't altogether sure
Well, I took my mammy's morals, and I took my pappy's crust
And I grew to be the founder of a big investment trust

Oh, our parents forgot to get married
Oh, our parents forgot to get wed
Did a wedding bell chime, that was always a time
When our parents were somewhere in bed
Oh, thanks to our true loving parents
We are kings in the land of the free
Your banker, your broker, your Washington joker
Four prominent bastards are we, tralalala
Four prominent bastards are we

(The senator:)
On a lonesome southern chain gang on a dusty southern road
My late lamented daddy made his permanent abode
Now some were there for stealing, but daddy's only fault
Was an overwhelming weakness for criminal assault
His philosophy was simple and free from moral tape:
Seduction is for sissies -- a he-man wants his rape
Daddy's total list of victims was embarrasingly rich
And though one of them was mammy, he couldn't tell me which
Well, I didn't go to college, but I got me a degree
I reckon I'm the model of a perfect S.O.B.
I'm a debit to my country, but a credit to my dad
I'm the most expensive senator the nation ever had
I remember daddy's warning that raping is a crime
Unless you rape the voters a million at a time

Oh, our parents forgot to get married
Oh, our parents forgot to get wed
Did a wedding bell chime, that was always a time
When our parents were somewhere in bed

(You and I:)
I'm an ordinary figure in these democratic states
A pathetic demonstration of hereditary traits
As the children of the cops possess the flattest kind of feet
And the daughter of a floosy has a wiggle to her seat
My position at the bottom of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago
My father was a married man, and what is even more
He was married to my mother, a fact that I deplore
I was born in holy wedlock; consequently by and by
I was rooked by every bastard with plunder in his eye
I invested, I deposited, I voted every fall,
And if I saved a penny, the bastards took it all
At last I've learned my lesson and I'm on the proper track
I'm a self-appointed bastard, and I'm going to get it back

Oh, our parents forgot to get married
Oh, our parents forgot to get wed
Did a wedding bell chime, that was always a time
When our parents were somewhere in bed

Oh, thanks to our true loving parents
We are kings in the land of the free
Your banker, your broker, your Washington joker
Four prominent bastards are we, tralalala
Four prominent bastards are we