The magazine is now my good friend 

I'm thrilled the moment it is opened 

It feels so beautiful to pretend 

I'm glad it's not goddamned sensational 

Rolling up my sleeves to find out 

What the stinking fuss is about 

I need to prove without a doubt 

That nobody is losing their marbles 

The psychic friends are here to help us 

And hot line girls I know are a must 

In consolidated bills we trust 

Personal injury lawyers are wonderful 

I have got to know what's a postcoital glow 

I need to know 

A-wop bam boom a-boop bop a-what to do 

Quality control is sure great 

Any job done well is first rate 

Pride in workmanship is worth the wait 

Happiness is a thirty day warranty 

The diet I've been on is so good 

I've lost more weight than I thought I could 

My abs are like they're made of fine wood 

I fit right in with the people I admire most