Well I was chasing down flies and shooting up women

Trying to get the whole thing straight in my head

Lookin for a girl who'd come with me swimming

And come and play tunes at the end of my bed


And all the hardmen were drinkin down petrol

Bamming up the girls when in came the law

Heading for the door and getting tongue tied

When they asked me what exactly I saw


Chorus:

So I'll get some Monte Christo's

And we can all go see the band

Well I may not be a looker yeah

But I'll help you any way I can


Back at my room I was making me nervous

Watching TV and picking my feet

Wishing I was pretty and burning my shoes

And wishing for once I'd kept the receipt


I called myself and wondered out loud

Tried to get the whole thing straight in my head

I left the tape running and played it back

Twice but I couldn't make sense of what I had said


Chorus


Bridge:

Well it may not make you handsome

And it may not even make you feel aliiiiiiive

You may not have the ransom

But you can always count on this

It's him and them and she and me

And sick and muddy, everybody


Alt Chorus:

So you can bring your wasters banjo

Bring yer sister and her friend Diane

Well I may not have a big boys pistol

But I'll help them any way I can


Alt Chorus 2:

And you can call me Cinderella!

You can make me your best man

Well you may be a right old queen

But I'll help you any way I can