Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal? Its a natural plant that grows in the dirt. 

You know whats not natural? 80 year old dudes with hard ons, thats not natural but we got pills for that. 

Were dedicating all our medical resources into keeping the old guys erect but were putting people in jail for smoking something that grows in the dirt. 

You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial on TV is a prescription drug ad. 

I cant watch TV for 4 minutes without thinking I have 5 serious diseases. 

Like, do you ever wake up tired in the mornings, oh my god I have this, write this down whatever it is I have this. 

Half the time you dont even know what the commercial is, there are people running through fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean. 

That is the greatest disease ever, how did you get that? that disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy. 


The schools now, its all about self esteem in schools. 

Build the kids self esteem, make them feel good about themselves. 

If everybody grows up with high self-esteem whos gonna dance in our strip clubs? 

Whats gonna happen to our porno industry? These women dont just grow on trees. 

It takes lots of drunk daddies missing a lot of dance recitals before you decide to go blow a goat on the internet for 50 bucks. 

And if that disappears where does that leave me on a Friday with my new high speed connection?


If you sing sing sing, 

Sing your song, 

Sing for me, come on sing,


Sing sing sing, 

sing your song, 

sing for me


Mastermind is another word that comes up all the time. 

You keep hearing about these terrorist masterminds that are being killed over in the middle east. 

Terrorist masterminds. 

Masterminds sort of a lofty way to describe what these people do dont you think?

Theyre not masterminds. 

Okay you take bomb right and you put in back pack and you get on bus and you blow yourself up 

Why do I have to blow myself up, why dont I put.. 

Whos the fucking mastermind here me or you?


Americans lets face it weve been a spoiled country for a long time. 

Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?

Obesity - Obesity. 

They say we are in the middle of an obesity epidemic an epidemic like its polio. 

Like, well be telling our grand kids about in one day THE GREAT OBESITY EPIDEMIC OF 2004. 

How did you get through it granpa? 

Oh it was horrible Johnny but there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.

Nobody knows why we are getting fatter look at our lifestyles. 

Ill sit at a drive through - Ill sit there behind 15 other cars instead of getting up and making the 8 foot walk over to the totally empty counter. 

Everything is mega meal, supersize, you want biggy fries with that, you want a jumbo fry, you wanna go large, you wanna biggie fry, you want thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother f**er theres room in the bag take it! You want a 55 gallon drum coke with that? Its only 3 more cents.


CHORUS


Sometimes you got to suffer a little in your youth to motivate you to succeed later in life. 

Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school?

Do you think thered be a Microsoft?

Of course not you gotta spend a lot of time stuffin your own locker with your underwear wedged up your arse before you think Im gonna take over the world with computers. Youll see Ill show them.


Were in one of the richest countries in the world, and the minimum wage is lower now than it was 35 years ago.

There are homeless people everywhere.

This homeless guy asked me for some money the other day and I was gonna give it to him but then I thought youre just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol. 

And then I thought thats what Im gonna use it on, why am I judging this poor bastard. 

People love to judge homeless guys. Like, your giving him money, hes just gonna waste it, hes just gonna waste the money. 

Well he lives in a box what do you want him to do with it save up and buy a wall unit take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a cd rack hes homeless.


I walked behind this guy the other day, a homeless guy asked him for money, he looked right at the homeless guy and goes - why dont you go and get a job you bum? 

People always say that to homeless guys get a job like its that easy. 

This guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants Im guessing his resume aint all up to date. 

Im predicting some problems during the interview process Im pretty sure even macdonalds has an underwear go inside the pants policy. 

Not that they enforce it very strictly but technically Im sure its on the books.


CHORUS