I never once dove into an empty swimming pool
I never let the carpet walk right out from under me
I never painted a house or  a tree
I never did become an exotic dancer or a customer service representative
I never took the pulse of a dying duck
Or gave mouth to mouth resusitation to a horsefly
In a way I spose you could say my experience is quite limited
For example,
I never locked Oliver Cromwell in a brrom closet while singing Waltzing
Matilda
I never sawed a television in half
Although I once saw Wendy O'Williams saw a guitar
I never played a decent game of jacks
I never played poker with a toothless one eyed pirate who kept picking his
teeth with a bowie knife to distract me while his parrot looked over my
shoulder and told him what cards I had by using an elaborate code involving
vomiting, chirping and sea shanties
I never bought a lamp
Wait I did buy a lamp once
But I never bought a lantern or a lambskin profolactic
I never bought lima beans or lime pudding
I never bought a lion or a Lionel Richie album
I never bought anything beginning with the letter "L"
Except lollipops, lightbulbs and lettuce ... and the lamp
I never layed down for a nap and found the Everly brotehrs in bed with me
I never let a cyborg take out the garbage
I'm sorry I stole the radio
I did it
I sawed the legs off the periodic table
I re-elected the President
I did it, it was my fault
I farted in the church
I'm sorry I did many many bad things
And I am so sorry