Well we're sitting here in Allentown,
And he's driven our lives into the ground,
When we woke up we were wasted and drunk,
Phil got shot,
We got beaten by a monk,

I was happy and my life was good,
Getting married like a dentist should,
Roasting marshmallows on a stick,
I got fucked in the ass,
By a chick with a dick,
(Alan: I remember that...)

And we're sitting here in Allentown,
But they're taking Teddy's finger now,
And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna loose my shit,
And shoot Alan in the face,
... then shoot myself