(Spoken)
"We're talking to a blind cripple woman with a hairy back who claims to be Michael Jackson's only secret friend. We'll take a break and be back in three. One, two, three..."

(Sung)
Phil Donahue, we love you
Sally Jessie Raphael the southern bell is oh so swell
But oh for a gun, oh for a gun
Oh for a gun just to kill, kill, kill, kill
Oh for a gun, oh for a gun,
Oh for a gun just to kill Oprah Winfrey

(Spoken)
"Be yourself! Be yourself! USA!"
"Hi! My name is Caroline North, I'm from Noth Carolina!"
"Be yourself!"
"I don't know how many of you know this but even as I speak I'm being sodomised by a ghost."
"Let her finish!"
"In my previous existence I was queen Nefertiti of Egypt."
"Me too, me too!"
"And at the moment I'm a member of the Church of Latter Day Channelers. And I'd just like to say..."

(Sung)
There ought to be a law against you shooting off your mouth
I don't invite you in but you still get into my house
You've got the world upon your shoulders, and the weight upon your mind
Tell you something Oprah Winfrey, there's more weight on your be--

Oh for a gun, oh for a gun
Oh for a gun just to kill, kill, kill, kill
Oh for a gun, oh for a gun,
Oh for a gun just to kill Oprah Winfrey

(Spoken)
"Oprah Winfrey is the fattest, most powerful woman on the planet earth. It takes the entire Guano Canal and three Kansas wheat belts to feed Oprah every day. Oprah Winfrey, you are the gross national product."

(Sung)
I'll get my guns and ammo, cruise down through L.A.
Ask you for your autograph then blow you away
(Blam! Blam! Blam! )
When the cops pick me up and take me to the station
I'll tell them very simply that I did it for the nation
And, there's a reason for my plan, something that they do not know
I'll sell the story of my life and guest star on Geraldo

Oprah, Oprah
I want to turn you off