I went out to the slug and toad
Drinking with the lads
They disappeared at closing time
And left me with the tab
Someone slipped me a creme-de-menthe
I confess I feel a little sick
I threw up in some chick's sling-backs
As I left the discotheque
Now my car keys are in my trousers
I've had a brew but I'm feeling fine
Once I find my trousers
I'll be alright to drive

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab
I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab
I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab
Now I feel like making love

I'm feeling like a million bucks
I'm walking on a cloud
As I wander into another bar
And fart out loud
I know I looking brilliant
I've got that beery grin
I stumble with my fly half-mast
And sing "Let the show begin!"
I feel all eyes upon me
The envy of other men
As I urinate against the wall
And let the piss drip down my leg
Every woman wants me
They've got a perfect view
Of me playing hard to get
When I'm face down in my spew

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab
I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab
I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab
Now I feel like making love
I feel like making love

I spy this lovely Essex chick
In crimplene with a broken nose
Sweat stains in her crotch
And she's semi-comatose
I chat up this foxy lady
As her eyes roll round her head
I know if she's as drunk as me
We'll both wind up in bed
So let's make love like the English do
Football songs, and no foreplay
You pretend that you're asleep
And let me have my way
Yeah - let's do it just like British rail,
Rude and late at a lazy pace

I... face your kitchen sit
And end up in your throw
(No! )
I sit upon your kitchen sink
And throw up in your face
(No no no! )
I'll throw up in the kitchen sink
And sit upon your face...
Yeah!

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab
I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab
I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab
Now I feel like making love
I feel like making love