There I was crossing the pond and you could say that I 
wasn't exactly fond of all the shit I was wearing on 
that day
Now the F-16 is cramped enough but it's even worse with 
all that stuff supposed to save your life but we knew 
there was no way
'Cause when you're going down in the North Atlantic man 
it's over
Now about 4 hours into the flight I got a little 
nervous 'cause it was still night and I'm on the wing 
of the tanker man - and I gotta piss
So I started fucking with the jaws of death and before 
I knew it I was out of breath - pissed off and cursing 
and saying to hell with this
And I seriously considered just pissing my pants
I finally got the fly undone and I knew the next part 
would be twice as fun trying to get the gopher to pop 
on out of his hole
So I thought real hard about naked chicks, lesbians and 
porno flicks but none of that worked 'cause he knew 
that water was damn cold
I cursed my daddy's name for making me half Polish
I knew that I would need a little help to keep from 
pissing all over myself and if I held it any longer I'd 
give myself cancer
So in my hour of great despair I offered up a simple 
prayer to Jesus hoping that he might answer
And to paraphrase a bit this is what I said

Dear Lord won't you give me a 12 inch penis
Just for an hour or two
I'm stuck in the trenches and I need just a few more 
inches
And I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through

Now my faith was strong but my strength was lacking and 
I didn't have much time for this miracle to happen so I 
thought the best thing to do was just help it along
So I started to pull and it started to pinch and I 
thought I might have squeezed out an extra inch but 
that sucker was wedged in tighter than your grandma's 
thong
I'm sorry folks that was completely uncalled for
So I choked that fucker like a serial killer - made me 
think about that movie - you know, the one with Ben 
Stiller where the dude in the back was yelling, "He was 
masturbating!"
With the other hand I reached for the bag and I tried 
to take aim but it was just a wag and I knew my chances 
of success they were quickly fading
And at this point I knew it would take an act of 
desperation
Now it was too much to hope that I could get it to 
dangle - Hell the best I could do was a ninety degree 
angle and hook shot that sonafabitch like Doctor J
Now I never really thought about what was ensuing 'til 
I realized I couldn't see what the fuck I was doing and 
I paused for a second and I began to pray
Dear Lord, you gotta give me this one

Repeat Chorus

Now just about the time I started to go ol' mister 
winky he started to grow and before I knew it he was at 
least a foot long
Now up in heaven God got quite a laugh 'cause it kept 
on going past a foot and a half and before I knew it I 
was holding a 2 foot schlong
Now I know what you're thinking - what the hell is he 
going to do with that
That was pretty much the end of my woes since now I had 
a Johnson like a fire hose and in fact my whole problem 
was completely defused
Now what I did next you might think sleazy but at this 
point pissing was just too easy and my newfound powers 
- they just had to be used
You know, for fighting the forces of evil and shit
So when it was my turn to refuel I thought it would be 
pretty fucking cool if I did the whole thing with my 
hands behind my back
Now you might think that was the ultimate test but the 
hardest part was really the ILS 'cause I thought about 
your mom and I ended up well off track
Yeah slightly above glide slope and climbing
Now after I landed - that was the trick 'cause what the 
hell do you do with two feet of dick but it didn't 
matter much 'cause the Lord he came to relieve me
When I tried to put it all back in the cup it looked 
like my two hours were up and I thought to myself, "Who 
the hell will believe me?"
You can bet for damn sure it ain't going to be my wife

Repeat Chorus