She does all the things that she tells us not to do
       Selling filth from a corner shop
       And knitting patterns to the high street queue
       She paints roses, even makes them smell good
       And then she draws titties on the khazy wall
       Drowns kittens just to get a thrill
       And writes sermons in the Sunday Chronicle

       How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?
       When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long ?

       Mary told Johnny not to write such trash
       Said it was a waste of public money
       She made a fuss, they made apologies
       But everybody thought the show was funny
       When the nation knew you'd had children
       It came as such a surprise
       We really didn't know you'd had it in you
       How you did it we can only surmise

       How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?
       When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long ?

       Mary Long, you're not alone
       But you're a long way behind our times
       What we do in full frontal view
       Is more honest than your clean-up mind
       What I'm saying, Mary Long is
       When you can spare a minute
       Go find your friend the porny Lord
       Dig your self a hole and jump in it

       How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?
       When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long