I said a bad word when I was a kid
Mamma said that I'd be sorry for the sin that I did
My daddy whooped me and the preacher said shame
And I tried like hell to change

But I cuss and I smoke
I laugh at dirty jokes
The minor vices, man, I know them well
I've closed down bars
I've lusted in my heart
My exes think I oughta burn in hell
But the devil, he won't notice when I die
Yeah, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry?
Oh, yeah

Politicians taking pork barrel bribes
Crooked CEOs are getting off with no time
Christmas Eve burglars stealing good children's toys
(Can't say Christmas)
Holiday burglars stealing good children's toys

I cuss, I smoke
I laugh at dirty jokes
The minor vices, man, I know them well
I've closed down bars (yeah, many a one)
I've lusted in my heart
My ex thinks that I oughta burn in hell
But the devil won't even notice when I die (bet he does)
Yeah, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry?
Serve em up!

Yeah, there's gonna be bonfire burning
An everlasting barbecue
But with all the bad stuff going on
There ain't gonna be room for me and you

'Cause we cuss, we smoke.
We laugh at Tater's jokes 

Tell one Jim.
"You know you're old when your wife says 'Honey, let's run upstairs and make love' and your answer is 'I cannot do both'"

The minor vices, man we know them well
We've closed down bars
We've lusted in our hearts
Our exes think we ougta burn in hell (you got it wrong, it's the other way round)
But the devil, he won't notice when we die
Hey, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry?
Yeah, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry?

Pass the tartar sauce!
When we all get to heaven what a day of rejoicing it will be