as i was returnin' home from a night of debauchery
i met me landlord boris, "yo," sez he,
"would ya ever go over to czechoslovakia,
marry me daughter for me?"

he waved a pistol and 5000 dollars in me face
"she better be a virgin, when she hits the states"
i told him i had some business with the pope in rome
so he threw in a ticket to italy on me way back home

would you ever go over to czechoslovakia, marry me daughter for me
she's the finest girl in prague, you'll ever see
her name is citizen gertie, a communist is she
she wants to come to america, be a capitalist like me

when i landed in slovakia, i drank a dozen pints
but when i caught a glimpse of gertie i nearly died of fright
she was 6 feet in her stockings, she viewed me with dismay
"is this the best they can do for me in the dear old usa?"

but despite me splittin' headache, i wooed her like a man
and very soon thereafter we were married in prague
i remembered boris' pistol and me vow of chastity
but when she pinned me to the bed that night, i gave up instantly..

bright and early next mornin' i went to see the pope in rome
gertie left for america, make new york her home
she landed down on avenue b lookin' for a mansion grand
boris was drunk, the building stunk, the city was mad
she'd been had,
this was the height of depravity - not what she'd seen on mtv...

i wasn't farin' much better with the holy father in rome
some turkish wiseguy whacked him and he wasn't even at home
so i landed back in new york oh so sad
stared down the barrel of boris's gun, jeez was he ever mad
he accused me of buggerin' his daughter but to make matters worse
she'd spent over 20 grand in macys and in saks
she sat there in her underwear, gave me a dirty wink
but when i thought about the credit cards me love began to shrink

so we drove her out to kennedy 14 trunks and all
and we said a prayer for the holy father back in rome
but as her plane rose over rockaway, boris he said to me
"would you ever go over to czechoslovakia and marry me daughter for me..."