Well I thought about the army
Dad said, son you're fucking high
And I thought, yeah there's a first for everything
So I took my old man's advice
Three sad semesters
It was only fifteeen grand spent in bed
I thought about the army
I dropped out and joined a band instead

Grew a moustache and a mullet
Got a job at Chick-Fil-A
Citing artistic differences
The band broke up in May
And in June reformed without me
And they'd got a different name
I nuked another grandma's apple pie
And hung my head in shame

I've been thinking a lot today
I've been thinking a lot today

Oh, I think I'll write a screenplay
Oh, I think I'll take it to LA
Oh, I think I'll get it done yesterday

In this time of introspection
On the eve of my election
I say to my reflection
God, please spare me more rejection
'Cause my peers they criticize me
And my ex-wives all despise me
Try to put it all behind me
But my redneck past is nipping at my heels

I've been thinking a lot today
I've been thinking a lot today
I've been thinking a lot today
I thought about the army...