People often ask me if I have any words of advice for 
young people. Well, here are a few simple admonitions 
for young and old.
Never interfere in a boy and girl fight.
Beware of whores who say they don't want money. The 
hell they don't. What they mean is they want more 
money. Much more.
If you're doing business with a religious son of a 
bitch, get it in writing. His word isn't worth shit, 
not with the good Lord telling him how to fuck you on 
the deal.
Avoid fuckups. You all know the type. Anything they 
have anything to do with, no matter how good it sounds, 
turns into a disaster. 
Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill. Tell them 
firmly, "I am not paid to listen to this drivel. You 
are a terminal fool."
Now some of you may encounter the devil's bargain if 
you get that far. Any old soul is worth saving at least 
to a priest, but not every soul is worth buying. So you 
can take the offer as a compliment. They charge the 
easy ones first, you know, like money, all the money 
there is. But who wants to be the richest guy in some 
cemetery? Not much to spend it on, eh, Gramps? Getting 
too old to cut the mustard. Have you forgotten 
something, Gramps? In order to feel something, you have 
to be there. You have to be 18. You're not 18, you are 
78. Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on. 
How about an honorable bargain? "You always wanted to 
become a doctor. Now's your chance. Why, you could have 
become a great healer and benefit humanity. What's 
wrong with that?" Just about everything. There are no 
honorable bargains involving exchange of qualitative 
merchandise like souls. Just quantitative merchandise 
like time and money. So piss off, Satan, and don't take 
me for dumber than I look. As an old junk pusher told 
me, "Watch whose money you pick up."