Jillian was her name 

She was sweeter than aspartame 

Her kisses reconfigured my DNA 

And after that I never was the same 



And I loved her even more 

Than Marlon Brando loved souffle 

She was gorgeous, she was charming 

Yeah, she was perfect in every way 



Except she was always using the word "infer" 

When she obviously meant "imply" 

And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing 

But frankly, I can't imagine why 



And I told her, I said 

"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey? 

No, I don't think we are! 

You're close! (Close!) 

But no cigar!" 



Then I met sweet young Janet 

Prettiest thing on the planet 

Had a body hotter than a habanjero 

She had lips like a ripe pomegranate 



And I was crazy like Manson about her 

She got me all choked up like Momma Cass 

She had a smile so incredibly radiant 

You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass 



I thought after all these years of searching around 

I'd found my soulmate finally 

But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy 

Of Joe Dirt on DVD 



Oh, no! I said 

"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo? 

No I don't think we are! 

You're close! (Close!) 

Oh, so very close! (Close!) 

Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!) 

So close! 

But no cigar!" 



(Oh, yeah!) 

(Oh, no!) 

(Oh, yeah!) 

(Oh, no!) 

(Oh, yeah!) 

(Oh, no!) 

(ALL RIGHT!) 



[Hand claps, trumpet solo] 



Julie played water polo 

She wore a ribbon on her left manolo 

She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near 

My heart was beating like a Buddy Rif solo 



And she was everything I've dreamed of 

She moved right up to #1 on my list 

And did I mention she's a world famous billionare 

Bikini supermodel astrophysicist 



Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron 

Look like a big fat slobbering pig 

The only caveat is one of her earlobes 

Was just a little tiny bit too big 



I said 

"Hey! Are we doing government work here? 

No I don't think we are! 

You're close! (Close!) 

So very, very close! (Close!) 

Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!) 

So close! 

But no cigar!" 



Missed it by that much! (No cigar!) 

Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!) 

Really, really, really close! (No cigar!) 

But no cigar!