Well I went to the video store late one night
I was feeling lonely and uptight
There was a girl at the counter standing pretty and 
tall
About to rent a movie starring Steven Seagal
Said hey honey you think he's tough
Why don't you check out this stuff
I turned around and with a smirk
Tried to pick a fight with the video store clerk
I said I ain't kind and I don't rewind
And now I'm going to kick your behind
A nifty right cross brought me to my knees
Then he reminded me about my late fees
Yelled to the girl and he hit me again
And I said these words as the lights went dim
Let me be your new action hero
I want to be your new action hero
Cause I'd walk through fire for you
And I'd risk being shot
Blow up public enemy number one
Just to say I think your pretty hot.
If you let me be your new action hero
Well the very next day I woke up in jail
And that girl was there and she posted bail

I was elated with love as I walked toward her
She said I'm only doing this if you sign a restraining 
order
Hurt and confused I couldn't understand
Oh, Jean-Claude Van Damme
Turned to the guard and boy was stunned
When I reached down and pulled out his gun
The guard just stood there not saying a word
Like a bit player in this theater of the absurd
In a time like this I wonder how Bruce Willis would act
Couldn't figure it out so I gave the gun back
The guard beat me up till I couldn't take anymore
And I said these words as my head hit the floor
Let me be your new action hero
I want to be your new action hero
Cause I'd go through car chases just to have you here 
with me
Can't understand why were not together must be a 
government conspiracy
So please take my hand, before I really snap
Like the aging detective said, I'm getting to old for 
this crap
And let me be your new action hero
I just got to be your new action hero
Oh, for you I would hold a bomb while it ticked
Cause I'm the rebel without a script
Please let me be your new action hero
And I would save the world from trouble
With my trusty stunt double
If you let me be you new action hero