Railroad Bill was a hard livin' man
He used to take his women two at a time
Everyone agreed he was the baddest engineer
That'd ever driven down the Santa Fe line

His name was known from the folks back home
To the tippy-top of telegraph hill
And all the little boys, when they were sneakin' cigarettes
They used to dream about the Railroad Bill

One day Bill was walking along
And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree
When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder
To set that kitty-cat free

Bill said, "No, ain't gonna do it
Ain't gonna climb up no tree
This is a stupid, stupid song and no folksinger's
Gonna make a fool outta me."

I said, one day Bill was walking along
And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree
When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder
To set that kitty-cat free

Bill said, "No, ain't gonna do it
Ain't gonna do what you said
This is an asinine song.  As far as I'm concerned
That cat can stay there till it's dead."

I said, wait a minute, Bill, you can't argue with me
For God's sake, I just made you up
I got the pen in my hand, I want you up in that tree
I want that cat unstuck

Bill said, "No, I hate cats
I ain't gonna climb for no cat."
He said, "Why don't you have me save some beautiful girl
Whose been tied down on the railroad track?"

I said maybe there'll be room in the eighth or ninth verse
But right now I want you up in that tree
I'm the writer, God damn, I got the pen in my hand
And you're supposed to listen to me

He said, "You asshole.  Why should I listen to you
You should be listening to me instead."
He said, "I'm a railroad man and if I was real
I would separate your face from your head."

You ungrateful brute, I cried, you push me too far
I gotta show you I can do as I please
So an earthquake came and it shook the whole terrain
And it brought Railroad Bill to his knees

And then a tidal wave broke and everything got soaked
Bill was almost completely washed away
And then a big green monster from the planet Neptune
Landed and bit Railroad Bill on the leg

I got the pen in my hand.  I can do what I want
I'm a bright new young talent on the rise
So get your ass up that tree or I swear you ain't
Gonna get outta my folksong alive

He said, "You don't scare me.
You might be crazy but you don't scare me
And if you don't leave me alone I'm gonna tell everybody
Where you stole this melody."

But before he could speak, well, his tongue fell out
And he could not make a sound
Suddenly he jumped on top of me and he grabbed me by the neck
And he pulled me to the ground

He hit me in the stomach, and he hit me in the face real hard
And I think he almost broke my nose
But just then a lightning bolt came outta nowhere,
It him right between the eyes and killed him instantly

Well the cat came down from the tree
Had a bowl of warm milk, went to sleep for the night
Railroad Bill is survived by a wife and three small children
Dear God, I love to write