I put my shoes on backward on the way out to a dance
Then I had to go back home cause I forgot my pants
I bought my love a ring and I professed my love of course
We were not yet married and she wanted a divorce

Stout it makes you thick, and it makes you thin and lazy
Irish whiskey drives me nuts whiskey makes me crazy

I curled up with my wife after I'd gone to wet my throat
Then I woke up in the stall all curled up with the goat
My friends do not invite me anymore for anything
Cause I stumble round their houses all upending everything

My mother used to beat me she would beat me black and blue
Now I have a wife and sure she's beating on me too
I once had a job and you could say that I was skilled
But it's off now to Christina's place to go get fucking drilled