Pops: HEY! Somebody's checking in!
All: (emerging from their rooms): Somebody's checking in????!
(Music commences) 

Pops:
Oh there's no fire in the fireplace there's no carpet on the floor
Don't try to order dinner, there's no kitchen anymore
But if the road's been kind of bumpy and you need to rest a spell
All:
Well, welcome home, to Happiness Hotel.



(Dialogue) Pops: Hey, how you guys fixing to pay?
Kermit: What are our choices?
Pops: A) cash, b) credit card, c) sneak out in the middle of the night.
Fozzie: We'll take "c."
Pops: Very popular choice.



Scooter:
If you got luggage keep it handy but you're runnin' out of luck
Cause the bellhops ain't too organized and the elevator's stuck
Rizzo:
So if you don't mind friendly animals and can learn to stand the smell
All:
Well, welcome home, to the Happiness Hotel.


(Dialogue) Kermit: Y'know, I may be mistaken but the bellhops look like rats.
Rowlf: You should see the chambermaids!



All:
Welcome home (welcome home),
Welcome home (welcome home),
No matter where you wander you will never do as well


Floyd:
Okay, the lobby's looking shabby and it's got the wrong address
Dr.Teeth:
And the whole dang thing has been condemned by American Express
Janice:
Still the management is cheerful though the whole joint's gone to hell
The Electric Mayhem-all:
Well, welcome home, to the Happiness Hotel.


(Dialogue) Kermit: [to the Electric Mayhem]: You guys live here?
Floyd: Yeah, but only between gigs, so that means we've been here this time...what?...five years?
Janice: Well, like, okay, y'know, I mean, like, okay, things are really gonna break as soon as we get our new glossies!
(Animal takes this opportunity to scream and growl furiously: RARGHHH!)
Kermit: What's wrong with the drummer, he seems a little crazed.
Zoot: Oh, he's just upset about missing the Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery.
Animal: RENOIR! RENOIR!



Rowlf (with Rizzo & Rats):
Oh, there are bugs (there are bugs)
And there are lice (there are lice)
Scooter:
Sure, we have our little problems, but you'll never beat the price
Fozzie:
You got every kind of critter,
Gonzo:
you got every kind of pest,
Pops:
But we treat 'em all as equals just like any other guest
Electric Mayhem:
Though you're cleaner than the others, still as far as we can tell,
All:
You'll fit right in at Happiness Hotel
Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo et al.:
We'll fit right in at Happiness Hotel!!



Gonzo: Say cheese! (flashes camera with huge bulb, blinding everyone)
Sam the Eagle: (coming out from room upstairs) You are ALL weirdos! Ugh.