man you wanna talk to will probably be my cousin
        Earl.  I guess you all know Earl; he lives out on
        Route 13 out on that maggot farm.  Earl don't like
        it when you get his maggot farm confused with a worm
        farm.  A worm farm is for worms, and a maggot farm
        is for maggots, and Earl's got the biggest maggots
        in the state.  Three feet long.  Of course, now Earl
        pleads this might be due to the fact that St.
        Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping their
        waste on his property.  Interesting thing about
        three-foot maggots in that...that, well, one day
        China disappeared, and the next day his television
        disappeared, and a few days after that, his '57
        Chevy disappeared.  But there they are:  the world's
        biggest maggots.

        Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standin' in the
        kitchen, giant maggots crawlin' across the floor,
        and Earl turns to me, and he says, "Do you ever go
        to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs
        all over it?" and he gives me a look that still
        chills me to this day.

        Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl
        Junior, which I think is pretty clever, since he is
        Earl's son.  He's not really a normal boy, ever
        since that tractor accident.  Anyway, he ran up
        $5,000 in "976-" phone bills.  He called weird,
        unnatural numbers, like "976-PIGG" with two G's, and
        "976-SHEEP", which has five letters in it, I know.
        He's a sick boy.  Earl suggested that, well, maybe I
        talk to him.  So I went into his bedroom, and I sat
        him down, but before I could say a word, Earl Junior
        looked at me, and he said, "Didja ever go to make a
        pork sausage, and find it's got hairs all over it?"
        And he gave me a look that still chills me to this
        day.

        Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her Effie-
        Sue.  And Effie-Sue, she don't look so much like a
        little girl, as she looks like a...a big pile of
        fungus.  Earl blames this, too, on the fact that St.
        Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping on his
        maggot farm.  Yeah, I never had much contact with
        Essie...Effie-Sue.  Excuse me, I don't even think
        that much of her to get her name right.  I never had
        much contact with her.  She just normaally just sits
        on the couch like a little ball of fungus and just
        ...boils away.  Well, one day, she looked at me, and
        that little ball of fungus opened its mouth (or what
        I guess was its mouth - I'd hate to think what else
        it could be), and out of that orifice floated the
        words, "Didja ever go to make a...a pork sausage and
        find it's got hair all over it?", and then that...
        that little ball of fungus gave me a look that
        chills me to this day.

        Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her...Wife.  We
        don't know her name, because she's never really said
        that much.  For the longest time, we thought she
        could only say two words, which were "dog" and
        "pussy".  We thought that meant "dog" and "cat", but
        then we found out that what she was really trying to
        say was "dog-pussy", one big hyphenated word, which
        doesn't come up much in conversation, especially
        amongst Baptists.  We never heard her say anything
        other than that.  You know, she works down at...at
        St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage
        Distillery, got a good-paying job there, although
        she only does say those...well that one word.  And
        we have heard her say another thing once, but that
        was a long time ago.  We were sittin' around the
        house, and she looked at me, and she said, "Do you
        ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's
        got hairs growin' all over it?", and she gave me a
        look that chills me to this day.

        Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishin'
        down in Miller's Creek.  He took his wife, who could
        only say "dog-pussy"; he took his son, Earl Junior,
        who took the day off from calling "976-" barnyard
        numbers; and he took that little...that little ball
        of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue, of his along with
        him.  They all got in a little boat and they started
        fishing.  Now St. Smithen's Medical Facility and
        Pork Sausage Distillery has been known to dump their
        stuff into Miller's Creek.  All sorts of heinous
        stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek, with
        little things on them that say "St. Smithen's
        Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery".
        Anyway, Earl was fishing, and he caught a wall-eyed
        bass, which had twenty-seven eyes on it.  It was a
        twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed bass.  Earl looked at
        it, and decided, "Mmmm, wouldn't this be good to
        eat!"  So he took out his knife to cut it open.
        But that fish looked up at him, and it said,
        "Please, mister!  Please, don't eat me!"  And Earl
        said, "But I'm hungry!  I'm hungry!  I work on a
        maggot farm!  My wife can only say 'dog-pussy'!  My
        daughter is a pile of fungus!  My son spent all his
        college money calling '976-' numbers!  I have to eat
        you!"  And that fish said, "Please, don't eat me,
        mister, please!"  And he said, "I have to!  I have
        to!"  So the fish said, "Alright then, if you're
        gonna to cut me open, let me ask you one question:
        Didja ever go to eat a pork sausage and find that
        it's got hairs growin' all over it?"  And then, all
        twenty-seven eyes stared back at Earl, and they
        stared back at his wife who could only say "dog-
        pussy", and they stared back at his weird "976-"
        animal-calling son, and they stared back at that...
        little pile of pus that passes for Earl's daughter.
        And they gave them a look!  All twenty-seven eyes
        gave them a look!  A look that they would not forget
        until this very day!

        Oh, man