Ladies and gentlemen
May I have your attention please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
What ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on you can waken with ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see something
What rose from the dead on the top of my head

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen
I was suddenly struck with a rare oriental disease
Though the finest physicians in London were called
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my head was as bald

As a novice's knees I was dying of shame
Till a gentleman came, an illustrious barber, Pirelli by name
He gave me a liquid as precious as gold
I rubbed it in daily like what I was told
And behold, less than thirty days old

'Twas Pirelli's Miracle elixir
That's what did the trick, sir
True, sir, true, was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir
Just like an elixir ought to do

How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed
Penny buys a bottle, I don't know
You don't need, ah, let's go

Go ahead and tug, sir
Go ahead, sir, harder
Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir

'Tis unique, rub a minute
Stimulatin', in'it?
Soon you'll have to thin it
Once a week

Gently dab it, gets to be a habit
Soon there'll be enough, sir
Somebody can grab it
See that chap with hair like Shelley's?
You can tell 'e's used Pirelli's

Let me have a bottle
Make that two
Pardon me, sir, what's that awful stink?
Smells to me like piss and looks like ink

Buy Pirelli's Miracle elixir
Anything what's slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls, try Pirelli's
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir, of the girls

See Pirelli's Miracle elixir
Grow a little wick, sir
Then some fuzz, the Pirelli's
Soon'll make it thick, sir
Like a good elixir always does

Trust Pirelli's
If your hair is sick, sir
Fix it in a nick, sir
Don't look grim
Just Pirelli's miracle elixir
That'll do the trick, sir

What about the money?
If you've got a kick, sir
What about the money?
Where is this Pirelli?
Go and get Pirelli

Tell it to the mixer
Of the miracle elixir
If you've got a kick, sir
What about our money?
Where is this Pirelli?