Hi my name is Jason and I'm not gay

{People are so damn crazy up in Jason's world}

People call me a waste man, 'cause I haven't got a job (what a knob)

{He don't wanna get out of bed}

Bed, up, make tea, shower, eat,
Paste, wee, change, go, make teas,
Alarm, snooze back to sleep

All of my little brothers, always call me a waste man
{Waste man, waste man}
Because I'm 27, and I'm living down in the basement
{Waste man}
I'm so complacent, so I will stay here
They're banging on my door, but I won't chase 'em
Cause I'm so lazy, the last few days I
Haven't seen daylight, haven't shaved
And they can say what they like, they just hate me
Cause I never let 'em have a go on my PlayStation (piss off)

They said I'm fat I need to go to the gym
I don't wanna be fat, I wanna be slim
Did a minute on the treadmill went for a swim
Little kids jumped out soon as I jumped in
Now I'm in the changing room

Hi my name is Jason and I'm not gay
I'm looking at your thing but it's not what you think
I'm think to myself why is mine not as big
So I think dirty thoughts so I can get it bigger
Beyonce, look at me now I'm a killer
I said I'm not gay go away stop wishing
I just wanted a bit of stiff competition

{Erm, sorry Jason}
What, what do you want?
{We've just had a complaint}
Piss off
{From a very valued client}
I said piss off
{Sadly resulting in us revoking your membership}
Shut up I don't care
This is a crap gym
{Well, mate, just leave, please}
It doesn't work, how do I know it works
I'm still fat, why am I still fat
{Just go, please}
It's a shit gym
Sod off

I got a baby mum and a lovely little son
Lovely boy but his is mum is very very dumb
I was very very drunk, I told her lot of secrets
Very very drunk, I told her not to keep it
Anyway she had it, sorry had him, Darren
His grandmother Karen, wanted to call him Gavin
But I didn't have it, I was working at Maplin
Gavin was my manager and I wanted to slap him
'Cause he wanted to sack me, 'cause I wanted to stab him
'Cause my girl liked him and she wanted to shag him
He's a bit bigger, but I know I could have him
As a matter of fact he kinda looks like Darren
I still got sacked and this is how it happened

Some Nigerian guy called Tunde
Who told me to call him Thomas for short
Walked into the store, said he wanted to talk
At first I wasn't sure, but because he was nice, to me
And he kinda showed me his nine
He brought a lot of stuff and he told me to swine
But this is a woman's car
{Shut up it's for my wife)
He would come in like every fortnight
And buy the same iPod 4 times
Apparently he was doing the same thing with Tariq
Who told the police my name when it happened (It was Jason)

{Hello Jason}
What?
{We're from the Metropolitan Police fraud department)
Police!
{We'd like ask you a few... }
Oink oink!
{Excuse me? }
Oink, you're a pig
{Excuse me? ! }
Listen go away man, I don't wanna get arrested
I wanna rest, I wanna sleep
{Look, you're coming with me}
All my little brothers smoke weed
{Oh my goodness}
Come and arrest them, or they'll do murder

Bed
I can sleep till the world ends
And I ain't in a rush for a girlfriend
All I ever do is fail them
'Cause all I ever do is tell them the true
If you're fat you're fat, bitch, ain't nothing wrong with that
Don't switch I'm, just telling you a fact
Do you think you're thin?
{Well no}
Well then
{I hate you! }
I abuse most of them
I think that's how I lose most of them
I don't want to get too close to them
After what happened to Elton in school
Elton was cool
But he had a girlfriend that didn't want to do things he wanted to
Do
{I said no! }
She said no but he went ahead and felt her
{Get off me! }
I think he's just coming out of Feltham

My last girl was a wannabe WAG
{Hi! }
Who went everywhere in a cab
I told her I'm rich
She took me to Harrod
And picked up this Gucci worth a grand
I went quiet like words from my gran
'Cause that's too much to spend on a slag
I mean that's too much to spend on a bag
As soon as we got to the till, I ran
{Where you going? ! }

Then my mobile rang
{'Ello? }
It was my first love, Ann
{Hi Jason}
She said she split up with her man
{He's gone}
And she's in need of a bang
{Come round}
I said I'll be on a bus in a minute
She said "you better not bust in a minute"
I got prang and rushed to the chemist
Excuse me, have you got anything for men that ejaculate premature?
{Oh yes}
He took me to the back of the store
He gave me a spray, what's this for?
{Put a little on the top just before}

Got to her house, clock says 4
She's worn out, I'm wanting more
'Cause she's sore she went down south
And I think she's saying she can't feel her mouth
Oi, Anna, speak loud
Are you saying you can't feel your mouth?
{Mm mm mm! }
Are you saying where is this mouse?
What, you want me to take your couch?
Look if you want to kiss me, out
That's when she kicked me, ouch
I think she's trying to kick me out
Just tell me if you wanna get me out
I'm gone