NORMA

Hurry up, the birthday boy is on his way

This is a surprise celebration

I hope you've remembered everything I've said

I want to see a total transformation



JOE

What's all this?



NORMA

Happy birthday, darling. Did you think we'd forgotten?



JOE

Well, I ... I don't know.



NORMA

These people are from the best men's shop in town. I had them close it down for the day.



JOE

Norma, now listen!



NORMA

I'll leave you boys to it.



MANFRED

Happy birthday, welcome to your shopathon!



JOE

What's going on?



MANFRED

Help yourself, it's all been taken care of

Anyone who's anyone is dressed by me



JOE

Well, golly gee



MANFRED

Pick out anything you'd like a pair of

You just point, I'll do the rest

I've brought nothing but the best

You're a very lucky writer

Come along now, get undressed

Unless I'm much mistaken

That's a 42-inch chest



JOE

I don't understand a word you're saying



MANFRED

Well, all you need to know's the lady's paying

It's nice to get your just reward this time of year



JOE

Get outta here!



MANFRED

And all my merchandise is strictly kosher

When you've thrown away all your old worn-out stuff



JOE

Hey, that's enough



MANFRED

Perhaps you'd like to model for my brochure

I have just the thing for you

Chalk-stripe suits



SALESMAN 1

In black



SALESMAN 2

Or blue



SALESMAN 3

Glen plaid trousers



SALESMAN 4

Cashmere sweaters



SALESMAN 5

Bathing shorts for Malibu



SALESMAN 6

Here's a patent leather lace-up



SALESMAN 7

It's a virtuoso shoe



MANFRED

And a simply marvelous coat made of vicuna



JOE

You know what you can do with your vicuna



NORMA

Come on Joe, you haven't even started yet



JOE

You wanna bet?



NORMA

I thought by now he'd look the height of fashion

He always takes forever making up his mind

Don't be unkind

I thought you writers knew about compassion



I love flannel on a man



MANFRED

This will complement his tan



NORMA

We'll take two of these and four of those



MANFRED

I'm still your greatest fan!

Very soon now we'll have stopped him

Looking like an also-ran



JOE

You're going to make me sorry that I'm staying



NORMA

Well, all right, I'll choose, after all, I'm paying!



MANFRED

Evening clothes?



NORMA

I want to see your most deluxe



JOE

Won't wear a tux



NORMA

Of course not, dear, tuxedos are for waiters



MANFRED

What we need are tails, a white tie and top hat



JOE

I can't wear that



NORMA

Joe, second-rate clothes are for second-raters



JOE

Norma, please...



NORMA

Shut up, I'm rich

Now some platinum blonde bitch

I own so many apartments

I've forgotten which is which



JOE

I don't have to go to premieres

I'm never on display

You seem to forget that I'm a writer

Who cares what you wear when you're a writer?



NORMA

I care, Joe, and please don't be so mean to me.



JOE

O.K., all right.



NORMA

You can't come to my New Year's Eve party in that filling-station shirt.



JOE

I've been invited somewhere else on New Year's Eve.



NORMA

Where?



JOE

Artie Green. He's an old friend of mine.



NORMA

I can't do without you, Joe, I need you.

I've sent out every single invitation



JOE

All right, Norma, I give in



NORMA

Of course you do

And when they've dressed you

You'll cause a sensation



SALESMEN

We equip the chosen few of Movieland



MANFRED

(The latest cut)



SALESMEN

We dress every movie star and crooner

From their shiny toecaps to their hatband



MANFRED

(Conceal your gut)

You won't regret selecting the vicuna



SALESMEN

If you need a hand to shake

If there's a girl you want to make

If there's a soul you're out to capture

Or a heart you want to break

If you want the world to love you



MANFRED

You'll have to learn to take



SALESMEN

And gracefully accept the role you're playing



MANFRED

You will earn every cent the lady's paying



SALESMEN

So why not have it all?



MANFRED

Now that didn't hurt, did it?



SALESMEN

The lady's paying!