I had my stomach pumped two times my senior year
which earned the approbation of all my plastered peers
Now I do my weekly bleeding at trendy AA meetings
I was a social monster, but now I serve my sponsor

I choke out clich?Tonfessions, I suck down coffee black
I chain smoke cigarettes between handfuls of Prozac
Man, am I one sober stallion - I just got my first medallion
My higher power drugged me, I'm letting strangers hug me

Now I really crave a meeting, all those soothing empty greetings
The Big Book is omniscient and I'm not self-sufficient
Dependency's still coursing through my blood, I'm only changing drugs

Self help study, twelve step program, which hollow slogan was it?
"We Found Serenity" in "Day by Day" or "Easy Does It"?
Plant that affirmation seed, out license plates should read
"Ten thousand lakes and treatment centers,
Betty Ford's our statewide mentor"

They say the devil's in the details of this cunning, baffling habit
I poured out all my Nyquil, I flushed my Sine-Aid tablets
'Don't take others' inventory,''Thanks for sharing' your sick story
If I bluff I know they'll call it, cause 'I'm Stuart, I'm an alcoholic'

Dysfunction builds the strangest sages, quoting pointless daily phrases
The Big Book is omniscient and I'm not self-sufficient
Dependency's still coursing through my blood, I'm only changing drugs

It's a self perpetuating business, you can't cure a lifelong sickness
Hazelden cleaned out my parents, but my stay was fourteen carat
Inner peace is what we seek at fifteen hundred bucks a week

Treatment's just a new psychosis, need and weakness through hypnosis
The Big Book is omniscient, and I'm not self sufficient
Dependency's still coursing through my blood, I'm only changing drugs