Does your hot teenage daughter dress too sexy for her age?
And flaunt her thick, ample, supple flesh... publicly?
Are you an overweight, undereducated, inarticulate mother with missing teeth?
A southern accent, and/or a heavy drinking problem?
Will your hot, bikini clad nymphet teen, swear at you,
Shaking a white doughy flesh and cocking her head
Using a distinctive urban African American vernacular?
Will she be uncontrollable in a room full of people booing her?
Will she lash out screaming diry secrets about what really
Goes on in your trailer at night?
Then we need you both on our show!
Please just call 1-800-Lucifer.

Oh what a great day to be alive.
What a great day to be alive and wide-awake!

Are you tired of others hogging the spotlight?
Have you always been a wallflower
Or a shrinking violet wanting to be the life of the party,
Top of the invite list and the most desirable, enviable
And eligible player on the scene, and the center of attention?
Well you need cocaine!
Yes cocaine is the trick in any social situation.
All of your stories will be funny, and the non-stop confidence
That you will feel will bring you right out of your shell.
Women will follow you into the bathroom
And you will be inspired and moved and encouraged to talk
Endlessly about yourself! Sound worldly, witty and informed,
Because you with cocaine!
Common side effects are dry mouth, lockjaw, paranoia and diahhrea,
9 out of 10 people tested did not experience, beating or addiction,
Anti-social behavior or sudden death by massive coronary when given a placebo.
So ask your concert promoter about cocaine today!

Oh what a great day to be alive.
What a great day to be alive!
You've got social disorders, bad body odor
You've got a problem, and we've got the answers
What a great day to be alive and wide-awake!

(Guitar solo)

I swear, if I win the Miss ButterMilk of Milita Hills, Idaho Falls Pageant,
I will use my newfound celebrity to educate my less attractive
And thereby underprivileged teen peers on self-esteem and posture.
Without good posture, you will not be noticed and that's a tragedy.
I will show them that it's not about being pretty or skinny
Or symetrically and beautifully accessorized.
No, it's not about that! It's about people!
People needing people!
Because we are, as Jesus Chris himself said from Mount Olypus,
The luckiest people in the world!

Oh what a great day to be alive.
What a great day to be alive!
You've got social disorders, bad body odor
You've got a problem, and we've got the answers
Social disorders, bad body odor
Don't get some problems, yes and we've got the answers

Oh what a great day (great day)
Just to be alive and wide awake
Oh what a great day (great day)
Just to be alive and wide awake
And wide awake