Welcome to Russian Band Stand
Dis is your host, Nikita Clarkchev
In Russia almost everybody watches Russian Band Stand
[Machine gun fire]
Now everybody watches Russian Band Stand!
Heh, heh, heh

Next is number one song in Russia
[Gibberish Russian song]
(But we don't like that song! )
You got to like that song, it's number one song!
(But we don't like...)
[Machine gun fire]

Who else doesn't like that song?
(I don't like...)
[Machine gun fire]
(... any... other... song)
Too late, comrade!

Now, anybody else don't like?
(We like that song)
All right, now a word from our sponsor
You better listen!

Play that stroganoff, new schwachling cigarette
Each cigarette two puffs
That's all you got time for
Work twenty two hours a day, so cline
Is only cigarette with microphone filter
So be careful comrade, secret police are listening
Is only cigarette I smoke, right Comrade Mamarelichev?
Right, is only cigarette you can buy

Next on Russian Band Stand is country's number one singing star, Nikita Presleychev
What are you going to sing, Nikita?
[Gibberish Russian song]
No, that's wrong song
[Machine gun fire]
Tomorrow we have new number one singing star
Tomorrow we have new number one song

Hey comrade, we are secret police
Tomorrow we have new host on Russian Band Stand