Well, your father's in Bermuda

And the milkman's overjoyed

Your maid is into bondage

And I've got Polaroids



And I was on the corner

When you wrecked your mother's Porsche

But why should I inform her

About your poor misfortune?



'Cause everyone has secrets

But sometimes you get caught

So if it's just between us

My silence can be bought

Blackmail . . . blackmail



I was looking through your closet

When I found your water bong

Your stash of Turkish hash

And a twelve-inch rubber dong



And I won't tell your family

About your last abortion

So you can call it "bribery"

But I prefer "extortion"



Well, my counselor is a dealer

And the football coach is queer

The school nurse and the dean of boys

Are having an affair



And someone shot the rent-a-cop

And I'm the only witness

But I won't tell you who it was

'Cause it's none of your business