Some friends and I in a public house 
Was playing a game of chance one night 
When into the pub a fireman ran 
His face all a chalky white. 
"What's up", says Brown, "Have you seen a ghost, 
Or have you seen your Aunt Mariah?" 
"Me Aunt Mariah be buggered!", says he, 
"The bleedin' pub's on fire!" 

And there was Brown upside down 
Lappin'' up the whiskey on the floor. 
"Booze, booze!" The firemen cried 
As they came knockin' on the door (clap clap) 
Oh don't let 'em in till it's all drunk up 
And somebody shouted MacIntyre! MACINTYRE! 
And we all got blue-blind paralytic drunk 
When the Old Dun Cow caught fire. 

"Oh well," says Brown, "What a bit of luck. 
Everybody follow me. 
And it's down to the cellar 
If the fire's not there 
Then we'll have a grand old spree." 
So we went on down after good old Brown 
The booze we could not miss 
And we hadn't been there ten minutes or more 
Till we were quite pissed.

Then, Smith walked over to the port wine tub 
And gave it just a few hard knocks (clap clap) 
Likewise his shoes and socks. 
"Hold on, " says Brown, "that ain't allowed 
Ya cannot do that thing here. 
Don't go washin' trousers in the port wine tub 
When we got Guinness beer." 

Then there came from the old back door
The Vicar of the local church.
And when he saw our drunken ways,
He began to scream and curse.
"Ah, you drunken sods! You heathen clods!
You've taken to a drunken spree!
You drank up all the Benedictine wine
And you didn't save a drop for me!"

And then there came a mighty crash 
Half the bloody roof caved in. 
We were almost drowned in the firemen's hose 
But still we were gonna stay.
So we got some tacks and some old wet sacks 
And we nailed ourselves inside 
And we sat drinking the finest Rum
Till we were bleary-eyed.

Later that night, when the fire was out
We came up from the cellar below.
Our pub was burned. Our booze was drunk.
Our heads was hanging low.
"Oh look", says Brown with a look quite queer.
Seems something raised his ire.
"Now we gotta get down to Murphy's Pub,
It closes on the hour!"