Dear Penthouse: I’m a freshman at a small Midwestern university 

And I never thought something like this could happen to me 

When my teacher with the dynamite ass, asked me to stay after class 

And she started to undress 

I can’t forget the statement she made 

If you drop you pants I’ll raise your grade 



(Girl) Dear Penthouse: I never thought those letters were true until 

I was on a fishing trip and I met a girl named Jill 

We had a little too much to drink 

I couldn’t believe what I was starting to think 

So we headed to her tent, there’s nothing like eating out 

Though the next morning my mouth still smelled like trout 



Chorus 

I’ve read every issue since 1974 

The first two years behind the bathroom door 

I poured through every Penthouse I could find 

Even though my mom said I’d go blind 

Dear Penthouse: I’m a seaman first class at an overseas naval base 

It’s been seven long months since I’ve seen a woman’s face 

When I saw your recent issue, I took a box of Kleenex tissue 

And I locked the barracks door 

Thanks to you I’ve gotten a grip, please excuse my jerky penmanship 

Chorus 

Dear Penthouse: Doing sports on the radio has always been my job 

I’ve never wanted a man until I noticed BOB 

When we’re close I start to perspire 

His little buns set my loins on fire 

And I dream about the day he’ll say, “Chick” lets get undressed 

Name and address held upon request