THE BALLAD OF THROAT CULTURE - I wish I was in a 
band/Being a solo singer makes me blue/So if you wanna 
join my band/Here's what I can offer you/We'd be called 
throat culture and we'd start off small/We'd play in 
Scranton, Pennsylvania at the Shriner's Hall/We'd get 
discovered at a smokey bar/By some British guy named 
Nigel/Said he'll make us all a star/And we say "Fuck 
that, man/We're not about the fame/We don't need to 
suck like Creed/Or someone just as lame/All across the 
land/Cuz we're a rock n' roll band"/So Nigel talks us 
in. Move to LA/In the studio be slavin' every night and 
every day/Until the label says we should replace/Our 
funny-looking bassist with a marketable face/And we say 
"Fuck that, man/No, man, don't even try/Bob's been with 
us since we started/We don't mind his lazy eye/Or his 
disfigured hand/Cuz we're a rock n' roll band"/So Bob's 
replacement guy is called The Blade/He's always wearing 
leather and he's always getting laid/We share our 
vicodin. He shares cocaine/By the time the tour is 
started, no one's feeling any pain/The label named the 
tour, "The tour of doom"/But they kick all the 
teenagers out of the dressing room/These girls are old 
love them because they're underage/And we say "Fuck 
that, man/we're all about our people/I don't need to 
see her i.d./When I can clearly see her neeple/Plus 
she's nicely tanned/And we're a rock n' roll band"/I 
develop a heroin addiction/You develop an aversion to 
the sun/We both contract a syphilis affliction/Now tell 
me if that doesn't sound like fun/I'm always so coked 
up I'm missing shows/I get so wasted at the Grammy's I 
punch J-Lo in the nose/When we play Omaha we start a 
riot/But you get pissed when I throw Nigel through the 
window at the Hyatt/You come to my place to 
intervene/You find me hanging by the pool-house, 
shooting smack with Ben Vereen/You say I've gone down-
hill since rags to riches/It used to be about the 
homies, now it's all about the bitches/and I say "Fuck 
you, man/You motherfuckin' sellout/You were nothing 
when I found you at The Sidewalk/Get the hell out/Don't 
you know who I am?/Get the fuck out of my rock n' roll 
band!"/So if you wanna join my band/Do all the things 
that I have planned/Leave your number, cuz you can 
clearly see/That you oughta be/In a rock n' roll band 
with me.