I drove my Sarsen through your garden last night
I kicked your front door down around at midnight
Something's telling me, boy, that your avoiding me
And when I find you, you will run for your tea.

Chorus:
I've got a brand new shiny helmet, and a pair of kinky boots.
I've got a lovely new flak jacket, a lovely khaki suit.
When we go on night patrol, we hold each other's hand,
For we are the British Army, and we're here to take your land.

My good friend Bertie, he's in the UDR.
To search for weapons he will go near and far.
Up around by Kappa, you'd never find him there.
The only gun he'll get there is an Armalite in his ear!

Chorus

My good friend Trevor, he's in the RUC.
But now they've handed him his redundancy.
Folks along the border won't be seeing him any more,
That provo sniper will be missing him for sure!

Chorus

My good friend Nigel, he's in the SAS.
He says a child is just as good as the rest.
Now they've gone and posted him way down to Crossmaglen,
He wished to blazes, he was back in jail again!

Chorus

My good friend Sammy, he's in the DUP.
An upstanding member, as all the world can see.
I said, "Go up to Donegal, if you want to have some fun."
He said, "I'll take a run there, if I have nothing on."

Chorus