Since I moved into your place

One year ago today

Our relationship has deepened

In a spiritual way



As time's swept gently forward

And winter's turned to spring

I know you so much better

'Cause I've f**ked all your things



I put my package in your mailbox

Made love to all your chairs

Dropped a load inside your washer

I went down on all your stairs



I took your cabinets from the front

And your sofa from behind

I looked deep into your vacuum's eyes

And then we sixty-nined



Thanks in advance

For not judging me or

This aspect of my soul

When I dick-smash

All of your belongings

Is when I'm finally whole



I boned your couches and your telephone

And all your scented candles

And your dictionary, fishtank, and the pictures on the mantle



I had sex with your whole kitchen

With no boundaries or limits

And your lamp was looking so good

That you know I had to hit it



Your wallet and your toothbrush

And your jacket and your red hat

Oh, you're mad about the toothbrush?

Just forget I ever said that



And your carpet and your furniture

Your windows and the curtains

And I licked your stamp collection

I dicked your floor for certain



I'm glad I got this off my chest

My soul has taken flight

Don't slam the door on your way out darling

Because I'm slamming it tonight