Oh my god 

How times have changed 

This girls must be blind 

Or completely deranged 

Ah, but time seemed to halt 

When i was "Miss Baltimore Crabs"



Childhood dreams 

For me were cracked 

When that damn shirley temple 

Stole my frickin' act 

But the crown's in the vault 

From when i won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"



Those poor runner-ups 

Might still hold some grudges

They padded their 'cups' 

But i screwed the judges 

Those broads thought they'd win 

If a plate they would spin in their dance 

Not a chance!



Cause i hit the stage 

Batons ablaze 

While belting high 'c's 

And preparing souffles! 

But that triple somersault 

Was how i clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!



VELMA 

Proceed... 



TAMMY 

Are you scared we're on live? 



TRACY 

No, I'm sure i can cope! 



AMBER 

Well, this show isn't broadcast 

in... 



COUNCIL GIRLS 

...Cinemascope! 



VELMA

I never drank one chocolate malt 

No, no desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"



SHELLEY

How many sweaters do you own?



TRACY

Well, I'm sure I've got plenty 

Let's see, I have three...five?... 

Wait, I have twenty!!



VELMA

I would say 'oy gevalt' 

If i wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!



A tycoon i wed

So cuddly and funny

The old fart dropped dead

But left tons of money

So i bought this station



VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS 

So all of the nation 

Could see 



VELMA 

Baby amber and me! 



AMBER 

Do you dance like you dress? 



LINK 

Amber, there's no need to be cruel! 



VELMA 

Would you swim in an integrated pool? 



(The Council Members gasp.J 



TRACY 

I sure would. I'm all for 

integration, it's The New 

Frontier! 



VELMA 

Not in Baltimore it isn't! And may i be frank? 



First impressions can be tough 

And when i saw you, i knew it 

If your size weren't enough 

Your last answer just blew it! 



And so, my dear, so short and stout 

You'll never be "in" 



VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS 

So we're kicking you out! 



VELMA 

You can't get past me kid 

But it isn't your fault 



VELMA & COUNCIL MEMBERS 

It's hard to get rid of "Miss Baltimore... 



VELMA 

...Crabs!" 



You may go. 



TRACY 

Um... thank you? 



PENNY 

Gee Tracy, that went well! 



(Li'l Inez runs on.) 



LI'L INEZ 

Hello Ma'am, may I please 

audition? 



VELMA 

No, but you can bow and exalt! 

'Cause i was "Miss Baltimore... 



VELMA & THE COUNCIL MEMBERS 

...Crabs"! 

Crabs, Crabs!!!



                          Thanks to roxanne for these lyrics