How I keep myself so slender
   It's like a party sometimes it makes me wonder
   How I keep myself so slender

Broken hearts everywhere
Herpes inna hot tub you know they just don't care
I can't take the smog, can't take the heat
But I dig Pick 'n Save you know their prices can't be beat
Dog crap in the front yard, Hibachi's in the back
Junior's in the driveway with a Big Mac attack
I tried to take lunch but I couldn't leave home
'cause the man from the car shop is shining my chrome

   Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge of the pool
   You shove me in and I'm gonna lose my cool
   It's like a party sometimes it makes me wonder
   How I keep myself so slender

My son said Pops I don't want to go to class
'Cause I'm functionally illiterate but still I'll pass
Life is a breeze, I'm gonna wax my skis
Empty your pockets 'cause I need your keys
You know what's funny? I'm gonna inherit all your money
Now eat your brie before it gets too runny
I'm not a slave, I dig new wave
I'm gonna dance to the Go-Gos on your grave

   Don't push me unless you've got a lot
   'Cause I'll sue you for everything you got
   It's like a party sometimes it makes me wonder
   How I keep myself so slender

A kid is born with a whack on the butt
If a boy right away then his penis is cut
Then there's God up above and he's beaming down love
'Cept when he's frisky then he gives you a shove
You grow up in the suburbs living first rate
When your parents aren't home you get to stay up late
The mall where you shop and your homegrown crop
Make you feel sure you're gonna stay on top
When your folks call you liar you'll aspire to get higher
Maybe in frustration you'll go puncture a tire
Driving Dad's car, spending twenties and tens
Life is a all and you're up on the trends.

   Don't push me 'cause I'm standing in line
   Here -- calm down -- have a sip of wine
   It's like a party sometimes it makes me wonder
   How I keep myself so slender

You say I'm cool, I'm no fool
But then you wind up applying to grad school
Now you're working like mad, you're dressed up in plaid
You drive to work in your very own Cad
Your blanket's electric, your kid is dyslexic
You save on the food 'cause your wife's anorexic
You're a wheeler dealer, on the beach you're a peeler
In the winter you're a gung-ho snowmobiler
You've got a fine education, a fine cable station
And every year you get a fine paid vacation
You've gotten mature, you say "fer sure"
You buy a fur and listen to your wife purr
And when it's over, and you're dead of cancer
They'll remember you fondly as a disco dancer
It's plain to see that your life was full
A little on the light side but not too dull
And now you're buried six feet deep
So open your eyes from a very long sleep
You know you're gone and you wonder well
What's it going to be, heaven or hell?
But God's a guy who acts real sly
He'll think up something weird just to give it a try
God's a man with a plan who does what he can
So you gotta have faith and try to understand

   Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge
   I've been reincarnated as a very small trimmed hedge
   It's like a party sometimes it makes me wonder
   How I keep myself so slender