The pubs have closed it's pissin' down the street lights just went out,
And you're trippin' over potholes stickin' up out'a the ground,
You called a cab an hour ago but still it hasn't come,
You can never find a taxi when you need one.

You can never find the bastards when you need one,
Need one see one, (not fuckin' likely)
It's only when you're nearly home you ever fuckin' see one
But you can never find a taxi when you need one.

So you start to walk through wind and rain to find your own way 
home
But you get bashed and kicked and mugged and robbed and left 
there on your own,
Then the cops turn up and knock you up for bein' fuckin' drunk,
You can never find a copper when you need one.

You can never find the bastards when you need one,
Need one see one, (hello dickhead)
It's only when you're in the shit you ever fuckin' see one
But you can never find a copper when you need one.

Or you try to do the right thing and go campin' with the kids,
Then thirty tourist coaches turn up full'a japs and yanks,
You can never find a crocodile when you need one.

You can never find the bastards when you need one, 
Need one see one, (yummy yummy yummy)
The bastards all went swimmin' too but fucked if I could see one,
You can never find a crocodile when you need one.

The kids have lost your tent and torch and all the stuff you took,
Then they pinch your matches light a fire and burn down half the 
bush,
Then one gets crook and one gets lost the other wants his mom,
You can never find a dingo when you need one.

You can never find the bastards when you need one,
Need one see one (ahooooooo)
It's times like this you wish to Christ that you could fuckin' feed one
But you can never find a dingo when you need one.

You can never find the bastards when you need one,
Need one see one, (the dingo's got me esky)
Cabs and cops and crocodiles and even fuckin' dingos 
You can never find the bastards when you need one.