The old Bastard lay sprawled on the nursin home floor 

he'd been wankin an fell out of his chair, 



An as he fell on his guts his colostun he bust 

splatterin muck an guck an shit everywhere, 



It was all up the wall on the matron an all 

it was caked on her apron an hair, 



And as we ducked for cover that filthy old bugger just sat there with his cock in his hand....... 



Ah, it couldn't ave been a worse day cos it was his birthday 

with the rellies rallied all round his bed, 



Absoloutly amazed that he'd actually made another birthday cos he should have ben dead, 



With all that fuckin an fightin that he'd done in his life, he should have been hung years ago, 



By any number of blokes whose missus he's poked with that monster he was strokin there now 



(Chorus) 

Ah, grandads got his stiffy 

grandads got a bone 

somebody better get nana in quick 

we'd promised her we'd phone 

He's OD'd on Viagra 

CALL GRANDMOTHER UP ON THE PHONE 

grandads got a stiffy 

grandads got a bone 



(verse) 

But he just wouldn't stop wankin so we chucked on a blanked, so the women and kids couldn't see 



his battered banana hangin out his pyjamas and the cum stain an shit on his sheets 



but that filthy old bastard sat cackaling laughin, just waving his slug in the air 



And by the look in his eye matron knew it was time 

'EVERYBODY GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!' 



(Chorus) 

Cos, grandads got his stiffy 

grandads got a bone 

somebody better get nana in quick 

we'd promised her we'd phone 

Cos grandads going ballistic 

CALL GRANDMOTHER UP ON THE PHONE 

grandads got a stiffy 

grandads got a bone