I admit that in the past I've been a nasty

They weren't kidding when they called me kinda strange

But you'll find that nowadays

I've mended all my ways

Repented, seen the light, and made a change

And I fortunately know a little secret

It's a talent that I always have possessed

And dear lady, please don't laugh

I use it on behalf

Of the miserable, the lonely, and depressed (pathetic)



Poor unfortunate souls

In pain

In need

This one longing to be thinner

That one wants to get the girl

And do I help them?

Yes, indeed!

Those poor unfortunate souls

So sad

So true

They come flocking to me crying

"Will you help us, pretty please?"

And I help them!

Yes I do!



The men up there don't like a lot of blabber

They think a girl who gossips is a bore!

Yes on land it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word

And after all dear, what is idle patter for?

They're not all that impressed with conversation

True gentlemen avoid it when they can

But they dote and swoon and fawn

On ladies who withdrawn

It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man



Poor unfortunate souls

Go ahead!

Make your choice!

I'm a very busy person and I haven't got all day

It won't cost much

Just your voice!

Those poor unfortunate souls

So sad

So true

If you wanna cross the bridge, my sweet

You've got the pay the toll

Take a gulp

Take a breath

Go ahead

Sign the scroll

Nick and Kevin

Now I've got her, boys

The boss is on a roll

You poor unfortunate souls



In pain

In need

This one longing to be thinner

That one wants to get the girl

And do I help them?

Yes, indeed!

Those poor unfortunate souls

So sad

So true

They come flocking to me crying

"Will you help us, pretty please?"

And I help them!

Yes I do!



Those poor unfortunate souls