There once was a lawyer, they called Mr. Clay
He had but two clients and they wouldn't pay
At last, of starvation, he grew so afraid
That he courted and married a wealthy old maid

At the wedding this lawyer made one big mistake
'Twas not in omitting the wine or the cake
The ring was well chosen, they had a big feed
But the lawyer did not get a warranty deed

He's a very unfortunate, very unfortunate, very unfortunate man
He's a very unfortunate, very unfortunate, very unfortunate man

That night in their chamber, this lady arose
And began to prepare, to retire and repose
While her husband sat near her admiring her charms
It gave him such pleasure to hold in his arms

She went to the washstand to bathe her fair face
And thus she destroyed all her beauty and grace
The rose on her cheek quickly grew very faint
And he saw on the towel, 'twas nothing but paint

He's a very unfortunate, very unfortunate, very unfortunate man
He's a very unfortunate, very unfortunate, very unfortunate man

She went to the mirror to take down her hair
And when she had done so, her scalp was all bare
Said she: "Don't be frightened to see my bald head
I'll put on my cap when I get into bed"

She hung her false hair on the wall on a peg
And then she proceeded to take off her leg
Her trembling husband thought surely he would die
When she asked him to come and take out her glass eye

He's a very unfortunate, very unfortunate, very unfortunate man
He's a very unfortunate, very unfortunate, very unfortunate man

The husband stood watching, with trembling lips
While she was removing her counterfeit hips
Just then her false nose clattered down on the floor
The poor lawyer, screaming, ran out of the door

Now all you young men who would marry for life
Be sure to examine your intended wife
Remember the lawyer who trusted his eyes
And a little bit later got quite a surprise

He's a very unfortunate, very unfortunate, very unfortunate man
He's a very unfortunate, very unfortunate, very unfortunate man