My mother had the vicar and the vicar's wife to tea
They cleared the room, they blamed it on the dog
But it was me.

[Chorus:]
I've farted, I've farted,
I've made a trouser cough,
I've whistled in my Y-fronts,
I've just peeled one off.
I've blown my bowel bugle (Alt: I've blown my bloody brains out),
I've been eating peas,
I've broken wind,
I've dropped my guts,
Open the window please

I've been eating cabbages, prunes and pears and beans,
Drinking Dandelion & Burdock, and you know what that means!
Polluting the environment, my friends leave me alone,
The front of me sings tenor and the rest sings baritone...

(Repeat Chorus)

[Interlude:]
Bubbles in the bath! (echo: Bubbles in the bath!)
Real rip snorters! (echo: Real rip snorters!)
Up on one cheek and hope it don't make a noise.
Window rattlers! (echo: Window rattlers!)
Cushion creepers! (echo: Cushion creepers!)
Don't shake your leg and keep it in your courduroys.

A gentleman tells before it smells, he waves his jacket 'til it's gone;
But I'm the kind of sneaky bugger, who lets off and doesn't let on!
I let them go in lifts, in queues, in phone-boxes and trains,
And when they stink, the people blink and blame it on the drains.

(Repeat Chorus)

(Spoken ending)
I say, have you farted?
Of course I have - d'you think I always smell like this?