Ivor Biggun
Ivor Biggun - The Son Of John Thomas Allcock lyrics
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"Can you 'ear me mother?' "Some bloke come up to me and 'e said 'I'm a w...ank" "When I'm cleanin' windows" "He winked his ass'ole in and out He made his balls inflate 'Til they resembled the giant globes That stand at the garden gate" "'Ere, what 'ave you got in your 'and?" "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you..." John Thomas Allcock He had gigantic g*nitalia He lived next door to mother Then he buggered off to Australia And nine months later I was born And the midwife upped and said "Shall I tie a knot in his belly-button cord Or else in this instead?" I never, ever looked like father I scarcely even looked like Ma And I was an outcast in my home Everybody say "aaaah" (aaaah) London - New York - Paris - Wigan Everybody's talking about Ivor Biggun I wandered lonely as a clod Where folks could never find me With several yards of pork clarinet Trailing on the ground behind me But then in a gent's ur*nal In nineteen seventy-nine I caught a glimpse of a d*nger With a birthmark just like mine "Allcock's the name", it's owner said "But you can call me John Remember me to mother" I said "F*ck me, I'm the son of..." The man with the biggest pl*nker in the world He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled It's a yard-and-a-half if it's an inch And it's more if it's unfurled, oh woah, He's the man with the biggest pl*nker in the world John Thomas Allcock He had a five foot seven incher And I'd inherited five foot six And balls like a doberman pinscher Now I don't look like daddy Or the milkman or the lodger But I can match John Thomas in Dimensions of the nodger And like my Pop before me When dirty deeds are done The girls line up each morning For the rising of the son of... The man with the biggest pl*nker in the world He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled It's a yard-and-a-half if it's an inch And it's more if it's unfurled, oh woah, He's the man with the biggest pl*nker in the world Just like John Thomas Allcock I really am the ladies' treat Though I only have two hands I usually swing several feet I'm following father's footsteps Down the path that he once trod I have outstanding trousers And a job with Dyno-rod Impressions of an elephant? Watch me pick up that bun They call me Ivor Biggun But really I'm the son of... Chorus John Thomas Allcock he died, he did And it seems to me That all what I inherited Is slappin' down below my knee But still I see him in my dreams With trousers chock-o-block Pole-vaulting around the bedroom And tripping over his c*ck In his last Willie and T*sticle He said "My race is run But girls beware of that twat there Who reckons he's the son of..." The man with the biggest pl*nker in the world He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled It's a yard-and-a-half if it's an inch And it's more when it's unfurled, oh woah, He's the man with the biggest pl*nker in the world He's the man with the biggest pl*nker What an enormous stonker He's the man with the biggest pl*nker in the world