Ladies and Gentlemen, I will now bring you one of the greatest virtuosos of
our time

A radio star, I hate my TV
My life is on film, yet it sucks being me
(Shut up, sit down)
My life's a wreck, I'm bored with sex
I've go a big nose and a skinny neck
I can't sing, I can't dance
I make money to talk about the junk in my under pants

I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am

(I told you not to be stupid you moron)
(Shut up, sit down)
(Oh, oh, oh)
(Bababooey)
(Oh, that's good)
(He, he, he, he, he)
When Terri Hatcher was on my show
She came onto me, I was tempted to go
Heather Locklear, she thinks I'm great
I would bet my life I could get her on the first date
Courtney Love, Madonna, and Sharon Stone
I could get them all together and make each one moan
Tammy, Raquel, Carmen, Jenny Macarthy, Demi, I mean Demi
(He, he, he, he, he)

I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am

I like my farts, I'm immature
They say I'm great, but I'm not sure
My whole life sucks, each minute blows
This gangely body, this monstrous nose
This droopy ass, this tiny sheen
No wonder I get on the air and act so mean
I wish my life were much more simple
I've got a wookie the size of a pimple

I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am

I'm a tortured man
(I think so)
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
(Shut up, sit down)
I'm a tortured man
(I told you not to be stupid you moron)
(I'm just thinking for a minute, should I trade half my money
for ten times as much sex?)
(It's an equation from hell)
(Oh, that's good)
(It's an equation from hell)
(Oh)
(It's an equation from hell)
(Oh, that's good)
(It's an equation from hell)
(Oh