Can't bear this strain any longer; I tell you "no, " Gloria
Can't bear this strain any longer; I tell you "no, " Gloria
You promised to marry me in the month of May
Now you try to run away; if it's the last thing I have to do
Gloria, my darling, I'm begging you
Please, marry me, Gloria, darling, can't you see, Gloria
With all your faults, I want you like a long dose of Epsom salts?

I'd like to be a bachelor
Before I met Gloria
I don't know what she did to me
Some people think I'm crazy
Some say it's the treatment, some say it's this and that
Some say she's a diplomat; I don't care what the case may be
Come, darling, let's join in matrimony
So please, marry me, Gloria, darling, can't you see, Gloria
My belly does boil, I want you like a bad dose of Castor oil?

You said you loved me but you lied
My friend saw you with another guy
And now you have me in a state
With all the doubts you create
Soon as I turned my back you were on the go
Gloria, girl, I tell you "no, " and I beg you not to forget
A promise to me is more than a debt
So please, marry me, Gloria, sweetheart, can't you see, Gloria
You must understand I want you like a cop wants a wanted man?

Gloria is my only girl
My only hope in this world
Give me your hand and say you do
Come back to me, I'm telling you
I want you to have and hold until death we part
Please, don't try to break my heart
I say stop all this stupidness, darling, and seal it now with a kiss
Please, marry me, Gloria, darling, can't you see, Gloria
You lovely flower bud, I love you like a pig loves a pool of mud?