Tower block, you couldn't score in a tower block
Do you wash plates down the WI?
Went down town, saw you pasteling the precinct floor
Had no qualms, but I complained anyway

‘Cos I'm the big cheese down at the Tourist Information
I work out of Barmouth where the bathing is safe
Dropkick the improv workshop mimeshow gobshite
Out on to the sandbank and then send in the clowns

We must do brunch sometime
That place by Pineapple
Cats, Phantom, Starlight, Les
It's the cohorts from the dance class
And they haven't paid their domino fees

How many of yous lot know
That song by Blackfoot Sue
“I'm Standing In The Road”
Was penned by the burly physio
Of non-league Farnborough Town

Big cheese down at the Tourist Information
Come forth with your queries
And I'll wade out for miles
Never trust a crown green bowler under thirty
The future's so dull I've gotta sing torch songs
Dropkick the improv workshop mimeshow gobshite
facepaint Left Bank Kenneth Emma RADA Rainer Werner
Cokeheads cokeheads cokeheads