What a special day
You are turning ten today
We've got balloons and party pies
And lots of pretty things
Look at all your friends
And the presents that they send
Your whole family is here
So everybody sing

Here comes the birthday cake
But before you make a wish
There's something your Aunty Gerry wants to say:

From this moment, everything's downhill
Double figures become a living hell
Before too long you will wake up to find you're dead
So if I were you, I'd quit while I'm ahead
I'd quit while I'm ahead

'Cos your body at fourteen
Is so much worse than Halloween
It changes shape and starts to leak
And makes you do mad things
Your twenties, they're okay
But from your thirties, you'll decay
Your joints and back and brains will go
Along with all your dreams
And as you reflect back on today
That kitten-shaped ice-cream cake
Will represent the hopeless and betray

'Cos from this moment, everything is fucked
The grown-up world and all the people in it suck
Your gran and grandpa left the Earth on the blink
And so to save you wasting money on a shrink
Choose an addiction now and retire to your bed
'Cos if I were you
Oh, if I were you, I'd quit while I'm ahead
I'd quit while I'm ahead

Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday... to you

(Make a wish)